|King James Version|
For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
I am loving our Wednesday night sermons at church lately. I mean I always love them but I am really loving them right now. Preacher Bingham has been preaching on sowing and reaping. Amazing lessons and sermons I tell ya! Tonight, he talked to us about the topic again and he brought up the fact that God is molding us into what He needs us to be. He also talked about God drawing our attention to His precious Son by letting our flesh go through things here on earth. He mentioned several verses but this one stood out to me...
John 8: 32 And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.
This verse is often misquoted as ... the truth shall set you free.... but the word make brings on a whole different meaning. To "make" something be a certain way can only be done if that something is taken through a process just as we are as Christians. We are like a piece of metal being heated in the fire, beat with iron, and cooled down in water and Jesus is the blacksmith who is molding us. This repetitive process molds us into what He would have us be in order to bring glory and honor to His name. Beautiful picture isn't it?
I also thought of this verse which some of you might recognize at the bottom of all my emails:
Malachi 3:3 He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.
He truly is refining and purifying me and I truly praise Him for that!
After this morning's post, I read an email from a friend who said that she was starting an infertility blog to keep up with all that she is going through. I have thought of this before but I just never got around to doing it because it was sort of like admitting a problem. Well, I finally did it today. I will still give minor updates here but my main infertility updates will be there. Without further ado, I present to you (and mainly to me because that's my main reason for creating it), On the Outside Looking In: My Struggle With Infertility.
Ps. When I created my blog, I accidentally typed the address wrong and I didn't notice it until now. So the official address is http://ontheoutidelookingin.blogspot.com If anyone knows a way to fix this, let me know because I don't think it's possible.
Good Morning All:
I can honestly say that after much soul searching this morning, and its been a rather rough morning I might add, I have produced the following poem. I didn't mean to write something, but those of you who are natural born writers will attest that it is sometimes at the most heightened or most lowly moments that we produce work because that's when the emotion is the greatest. For me, I just have to vent and this is one of my methods. I don't do it as much as I use to but when I have to write, I really must do it right then.
Those of you who read this post that have not struggled with infertility like me and so many of my wonderful friends may think that this is a moment of weakness for me. On the contrary, it is a moment of strong faith. It is faith that God is going to accomplish His will in my situation whatever that may be and whatever that may involve. And I have realized this morning that it may not be what I want. I may never be a mother. But I know that God is good and He has big plans for my existence here on earth. I give Him all the glory in this storm because this is truly a test of faith.
I ask for your continued Prayer in this situation and for me and my emotional health in regards to all of this. Feel free to comment if you have something good to say. And if you don't, just don't tell me. I need encouragement and I am taking a Godly stance on saying that I will accept nothing but encouragement from this point on.
Tears upon a page,
Heartaches that no one understands.
Pain that radiates through my entire being.
I put on a facade.
Things are all ok,
and a lot of times they are,
until I realize that I am
Folks mean well,
They give me there thoughts and advice,
I smile as I realize they have no idea
what it feels like to be
And I fear that I am all alone in this war,
the battle continues to rage.
I fall down,
I am scared.
I am weary and weak.
I am childless.
I pull up off the ground,
My knees bloody and scraped.
As I kneel, I lift my eyes.
In the distance I see purple.
Royalty is heading my way.
But why me?
I am just a servant girl.
He knows I am childless
He appears and reaches down.
He is beautiful and altogether lovely.
I reach for His hand but instead
He scoops me up into His arms,
He says, "Be not weary my child. I am with you."
And I know that He is,
even though I am still childless.
Please remember Christian artist Steven Curtis Chapman and his family. His five year old daughter Maria was killed today when his son accidentally hit her with a car. She died at Vanderbilt Hospital this evening. The family was getting ready to enjoy their son's graduation and had just left a celebration for their oldest daughter's engagement. This family needs our Prayers so desperately right now. This really makes you realize just how precious little children are and how small your problems are compared to this.
Alesha : )
I just finished reading in Psalms and I came across these verses that just brought tears to my eyes. This is my prayer from Psalm 25:
The secret of the LORD is with them that fear him;
and he will show them his covenant. (SHOW ME LORD)
Mine eyes are ever toward the LORD;
for he shall pluck my feet out of the net. (PULL ME UP, ENCOURAGE MY SPIRIT)
Turn thee unto me, and have mercy upon me;
for I am desolate and afflicted. (YOU KNOW MY HEART JESUS)
The troubles of my heart are enlarged: (MAGNIFIED IN THIS HOUR, YES)
O bring thou me out of my distresses.
Look upon mine affliction and my pain;
and forgive all my sins. (FORGIVE ME FOR NOT ALWAYS DOING WHAT I SHOULD)
Consider mine enemies; for they are many;
and they hate me with cruel hatred. (INFERTILITY, LAWSUITS, CRUEL WORDS, WORRY, ETC. )
O keep my soul, and deliver me:
let me not be ashamed; for I put my trust in thee. (LET ME ALWAYS STAND FOR YOU!)
Let integrity and uprightness preserve me;
for I wait on thee. (LET ME WAIT IN THE RIGHT WAY!)
I wanted to post a little thank you to a couple who has really went out of their way to encourage me while trying to conceive. Brandon and Shelly are the sweetest! Brandon was my boss when I taught at Southeast Community College Upward Bound. Shelly is his wife. I was really excited to find out that they were expecting last summer because I knew that they had been trying for awhile. I am always happy for folks but its even sweeter to know that they really been waiting and asking God for a miracle and hearing that they have received it. Brandon and Shelly both had sent me messages of encouragement over the past year. Their story was so amazing! So when Mother's Day rolled around, I was excited to leave Shelly a comment for her first celebration with baby Emma.
Shelly wrote me back with a sweet, heart felt note that really encouraged me. She then sent me another message telling me that she was sending me a prayer cloth. When I received her letter and the prayer cloth, I was overwhelmed with thanks and praise to God for such a good, Christian friend and witness. Shelly had went up in front of her church on Mother's Day and publicly thanked God for her little Emma. She then proceeded to tell them about me and my struggle with infertility over this past year. The entire church prayed over this prayer cloth and she sent it to me. What a blessing! I couldn't have received a better Mother's Day gift.... the prayers of a faithful church to help me become a mother! Thank you Shelly and Brandon! You guys are truly wonderful and I love you!!!
Good Morning All,
I am in Louisville this morning and it seems like it is going to be a beautiful day. Just an update on the baby situation.... still nothing. I have come to realize that waiting is so hard. No matter how much I try to be good, I can't help but have thoughts that enter my mind about the situation. Sometimes I see folks who have never uttered thanks to God for anything. At other times I see young teenagers with children that they really weren't ready for and sometimes didn't and still don't want. I know children in my school who have parents that really don't want them around. The common link? They all have these children that some of us long for and can't seem to get.
Now before I get a ton of comments that say... "Alesha you know God has a purpose for each of those folks and for you" let me go ahead and answer that by saying "Yes, I know." I realize that. I honestly believe that. But it is still a hard row to hoe. (Throwing in some of my country vernacular there hehe) I'm not bitter and I'm trying hard each day to be happy, jolly, and grateful for what I know God will do. I do believe He will do it, it's just sometimes my mind gets overwhelmed by the thoughts of "What could be wrong?" My husband is fine. His tests all came back good. I am taking my meds as prescribed. I am being healthy. Probably healthier than I've been in a long while. I've dropped 10 pounds in the last couple of months. I am taking my vitamins, folic acid (have been on that since college just for this reason!), and I am not consuming myself with the whole thing. I'm not stressing and worrying every single moment of each day. Yet, I'm still babyless. And though I know folks mean well, some of the things they say just make me want to scream. It's almost as if they think I am sabotaging myself by wanting this to happen. I am tired of hearing, "You're trying too hard" or "When you stop thinking about it, it will happen." How do I not try so hard? I have to try on certain days and I have to think about it occasionally.
Oh, what a post, huh? I just realized that I hadn't posted in awhile and I thought to myself, "What is there to post about this morning?" and this is what developed. Please don't think I am grumbling, being mean towards folks who haven't had a hard time, or those who mean well with their thoughts. I'm not. I love each of you and each of those who don't read this but fit the "comment" category. I am just saying what's on my heart.
With that said, I am so glad that I can take this burden to Jesus and lay it at His feet because I don't know what I would do if I couldn't. Talk about heart ache, that would be heart ache.
So let me end with a prayer. That would be fitting. I'm always asking for God's guidance and grace.
Please Lord grant me the grace that I need to continue on this path. I want to make it to the end of this experience and be able to say that I handled it in a way that is uplifting toward you. Please Jesus, when You feel that it is the right time, please send us a child. Let he/she be devoted to You in the womb and I pray that this child will serve You all the days of his/her life. I pray also that until I meet this child or even know of his/her existence, that You will let he/she enjoy getting to know those that I love so much that are already there with You. I know there's no proof that that can happen but I'm not living by proof anyway. I am living by faith. I have faith that Danielle, Mamaw & Papaw Brittain, Papaw Brock, Shauna, Uncle Bruce, Edie, Sister Helen, etc. can inspire this child even now. Maybe they are even molding it for me as we speak. How precious You are Lord to let those thoughts comfort me! Jesus, go before me and just prepare the way. I thank You for loving me even though I never, ever show You enough love as hard as I try. I praise You for the joy that I have in my heart even through the tough times and I thank You for all the healing and health that You have provided me and those that I hold so dear to my heart. I thank You most importantly for my salvation and Your saving grace that I know those that I am Praying the hardest for, will accept when the time is right. Continue to lead us on and help us through this situation. Help us to never let this time or any time be in vain. Mold and shape our hearts into what they should be. Help us to continue to grow.
In Great Love and Thanks,
(picture from http://www.easybabyhandprintcrafts.com/babyhandprinttshirt.html)
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